Communicating is really hard for me, which is kind of ironic when thinking that I’m getting a degree in Communication and Media.
Although I do love blaming all of my life problems on IBCoM, this time I wish my communication issues were just academic. I don’t really know how to explain it (which is the whole point of this blog!), but lately, it has been super hard to express myself.
I notice that I have so much to say in my head, but whenever I try to bring it out, it all becomes a mess:
I try to speak.
No words come out, but apparently, I am really good at mumbling incoherent sounds.
I try to put it in words?
Even worse, I can barely write one sentence that is both grammatically correct and also has actual meaning. The rest are just broken thoughts that were never destined to be finished.
Maybe it’s a language issue?
Still wrong, every time I try I end up mixing every language I have learned in my life… I am sure I even made up a few words in my endless attempts.
The moral of the story? I decided to just shut up for a while.
At first, it went amazing: if I was not talking it meant that I could spend more time listening to others, and everyone loves a good listener. I’ve been told all my life that I talk a lot, sometimes too much, so I was glad that for once I could prove them wrong. “I will just listen,” I promised myself.
So I listened. And listened. And listened some more.
You see, the problem with deciding to shut yourself up is that you inevitably end up bottling every single thought up in your head, and that is not good. The mess becomes messier, and the confusion becomes unbearable.
Listening to all those people ended up not being beneficial for me because I felt myself being jealous of everyone.
Why do they get to be so good at talking, expressing themselves, and letting it out? Why can’t I be like that?
Most of all, I was jealous that everyone made everything seem so poetic. My chaos is not poetic. It’s everything but poetic. My inner drama queen was desperate: how will my tormented soul find peace when I can’t make art out of my pain?
Their mess becomes inspiring posts on Instagram.
My mess just sounds like bla bla bla bla bla.
Sometimes I feel like Mr Bean: I am speaking, but no one can really understand what I am saying. And I’m growing tired of feeling like this. I need to do something now.
So here I am, writing this blog post for you.
I am pretty sure this is the most I have written in over a month (not considering uni work, which I am sadly required to submit on time). It’s kind of funny that I am being brought out of my writing slump by what caused the writing slump itself.
I’m not going to lie, writing this was really scary: it is hard to let people in when your mind is just a big giant jumble of words and thoughts.
What if despite all my efforts you can still only read bla bla bla bla bla?
I guess I will never know until I open the door and let you all take a peek.
I hope you enjoy my bla bla bla bla bla.
Written by: Federica Pastella
Editor: Nimrat Kaur
Visuals: Iryna Lizenko